I hate that I was not there when she needed someone to hold onto. She was lost within a strange world. Alone. Not able to talk about her feelings. She used to tell me that she was being alive and going through her nightmarish life, only for me. I did not know what to respond to that. I was only 14. I wish I could have given her more courage to live on, not only for me but also for herself.
I hate that she is not here when I need her most. Today, I kinda feel like, lost within a strange world. I wish if she was here to tell me how she managed to go through her nightmares. To teach me how to be more courageous when no one else stands aside to you. How to praise loneliness as your friend and play with her. How to spread only love, respect, joy and courage even if everyone else stands opposite in circle and points finger at you. I can only wish now.
But I do not want to give up. I want to live for her. I do not want her given life to be lost in a void for nothing. Just as she was holding onto all the courage for me, I want to hold onto that courage, before it will be my time to meet her again.
Until then, I am going to miss her my entire lifetime.
Its after midnight. 1:40 AM. Outside dogs are barking and crows are crowing. Cold weather chilling out post a heavy rain. I am hungry, feeling sleepy, sitting on my sofa, laptop on my lap and going through some blog posts. Cannot read all of them right now. As I said, I am feeling very sleepy. But something kept me up while reading some of them and then sparked a tiny motivation to write something on my own blog.
Life is changing. Again. Sometimes, I am onto something. Sometimes, it feels like I lost everything. I know, that is how it is. There will be moments where people make you feel like you are wrong. That your feelings are impulsive. Sometimes they say you are not thinking enough. Other times, probably talking to yourself.
But hey, I am learning. I am trying to understand from those coming in the way, what I have to go through in and what should be moved aside. I guess, that is how it should be. I feel like I need to think before I decide anything. Contemplating on others’ suggestions, thoughts, experiences before creating my own. I know I will not regret if I decide to go one way or another because the final destination would mine and mine only. No one is going to ask for their share of that once they done talking. Still, I need to be sure before I go anywhere.
But, now I am sure about certain things. That, one way or other way around, I am not going to give up anymore. I am done waiting for the right time to come and cool down the fear. No matter what happens now, I am gonna go where I want to go.
10 years back, it was a time when blogging was at it’s hype. Everyone wanted to create blog and invite others to read it. Following and commenting on blogs was fun. Now, social networks platforms are at the hype. Today, different types of new social network services are being emerged in very short time. Well, I think, in a way, that actually helped all of the true blogging communities (ignoring organisational blogs and those for marketing purpose). At least now people do not create blogs and leave them to rotten anymore with just one welcome post.
Little brother was sitting idle for a long time. Do not remember for how long though. He was there just like a dead. He did not know that his big brother has a new reason to pump around more blood into the system. A joyful reason of love.
But somehow that blood was not making any interest for the little one. He was tired because of the recent past and its unpleasant continuation. He just wanted to sit idle and take the rest.